Agnostic Relapse

Something that I have not talked much about are my (from time to time) relapses to agnosticism.

Yes, your guess is as good as mine.

Just two years after my conversion, I have waded along the shores of agnosticism. Again.

This isn't new to me as I have experienced being an agnostic in my sophomore years in college.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I still consider myself as a Catholic. And I will surely die as one (cross my heart). RCC is just at the end of the Christianity spectrum. It's just either I go to other religions (which is never going to happen), or be an atheist.

However, there are just questions that cannot be answered that my previous belief (Born Again), tried to be so oh-so expert about and assume they have it all. That's why i left and moved to the RCC. What I like about the RCC is that they do not claim to have all the answers. It did answered a lot of questions I had, however, my soul is still not at full rest. The fundamental questions are still wanting for answers.

These past few months, I found myself apathetic to almost anything about religion. Most of the time, I don't really care anymore. All I care now is how people treat other fellow beings.

Aside from myself, I blame this apathy to the CBCP, who always try to influence too much, whether be it politics or in your own bedroom (RH bill).  A lot of the people doesn't know that CBCP per se is not the RCC. Yes, it's a representative of the RCC here, but it's not the RCC per se. Ever wonder why RH Bill is not a Catholic issue in other countries? The bishops in other countries just let the government do what it has to do.  And the lengths CBCP's arguments would go. In fairness to them, even the Pro-RH has their share of idiotic arguments.

In short, you can remove CBCP from the picture, a Catholic church is still a RCC.

As a newbie in the faith, two years ago. I attempted to be an apologist. I joined a lot of apologetics groups.  However, it took me a year to realize that this was going nowhere. Yes, I do already know the faith enough to keep it. I know the faith enough to explain it even to fellow Catholics who have lived their whole lives as Catholics. I have the necessary guns, but didn't know that I don't have to use them every single time an attack is being launched. I saw how ugly apologists can get when arguments and personal attacks fly through their faces left and right. I did not sign up for this. I wanted to be a normal Catholic man, living the faith. So I quit. Another year of quiet and calmness, until this year came.

Everything became super quiet. It's because I suddenly didn't care anymore. I didn't care about doctrines, rules, especially rituals. I didn't care if you consider me as a born again or not. Neither did I care if I see you as saved or not, or if you see me as saved or not. Because in a lot of instances, I have come to realize that most of the time, people are not always the same person they say who they are. Self-righteousness abounds in the industry of clerics. How this pastor preaches about poverty of the spirit while having a private jet as his property. The CBCP's self-righteousness in RH Bill - they don't even have families to feed when all they care is not to use contraceptives because these users are hell-bound. Some of the Baptists/INC/JHW/SDA/ADD/Quiboloy and other sects claiming they're the only ones saved - I really had enough of them.

These things, if we dwell too much, would make us feel powerless, helpless, repressed, a prisoner of your own religion. I had no freedom because I always had to mind what other people will think of me. 

I think RCC fast-tracked me to agnosticism. I still believe in all the tenets of the Creed, but do I have to rub it in your face to show you that I'm a superior being? No. Sometimes, I don't really care. Come Jesus in Your glory to judge the living and the dead. I don't really care if you Christians lived the way you're supposed to live, just leave me alone and Jesus will judge me, not you.

At times, I am even having a hard time accepting all of the truths like resurrection, the deity of Jesus (which, by the way, came into issue and resolved only after three centuries of His existence).  I always had this question - WHAT IF?? What if all of this is just a farce?? I might just lose it! Just in case, you have the deity of Christ resolved, just dive in deeper - how about God's existence??

Don't get me wrong. I do not see this in a bad light. Sometimes, just having no care at all (when it comes to religion), is the best way to find your enlightenment.

These are the things that bother me lately. Maybe this is just a phase or a spiritual cycle I am going through while I bide my time and ride with the waves of theism the next time around.

Technology

Remembering seven years ago - it was the time I could not afford any item that fall outside the "needs" category.

All I wanted back then was a device that I could use for mobile purposes, organizer and most importantly, internet surfing. I was a stealth blog reader before. I visit a lot of blogs that time. I wanted to be preoccupied with the mundane and ordinary things of other people, all the others, except mine.

Now, an iPhone or an iPad can do all what I wanted seven years ago. I have these two currently, and I couldn't think of anything to ask for myself.

My wants are so easy and shallow that I have already reached my goals.
Haha.

Not really, I still have three offsprings to send to school.
But as for myself, and this may sound bothering to most of you (and sometimes i feel embarrassed to admit it) - I feel fulfilled and accomplished in this life. This is just a matter of increasing/leveling up my wants for myself.

This might be in a form of a new technology. Maybe. Or maybe it's time for me to move on to abstract wants like making a difference, fighting poverty, world peace, or eradicating world hunger.

Australian Trip

I was fortunate enough to be part of our company's incentive trip this year to Sydney.
This was, by far, the best trip we had compared to the previous ones (Tokyo, Singapore and Shanghai).
The things I love in Sydney and Australia as a whole:
1.) WEATHER - it wasn't too cold for the whole duration of the trip
2.) Demographics - half of the people are Asians, half white. I did hear a group of young filipinos conversing along George Street late at night.
3.) Food - you will love their beef, and seafood according to seafood lovers
4.) Friendly people - was able to converse with an Indonesian girl at Woolworths
5.) Wildlife - if you love animals, Australia's wildlife is 80% endemic, meaning 80% of their animals are unique to them and can never be found elsewhere. Cool fact.
6.) You gotta love their chocolates and cheese. 

The tour was 5D-4N. I had so little time to squeeze in for shopping. Our free time was on a Sunday, stores open at 11am and closes at 5pm, and I had to visit a friend at lunch who lives 30 minutes away from the Central Station.
I returned to the central station at 3pm to meet my godmother who lives in Sydney. I was worried I didn't had enough time to catch up, i still have to buy Fort's Thomas and Friends.
Good thing my Ninang Sonia went me through Target and Queen Elizabeth mall. I was amazed she
didn't even look a bit tired from walking. I guess that's part of being an Australian.

My regrets are
- i shouldn't have brought so many clothes with me.
- i should have bought more of that Pie Face so i could have brought one at home.





Going to and from Sydney and Manila takes 8 hours, and I was happy to be riding Qantas. Their economy seats are spacious, i love their food and gotta love their personal TVs even more.

When I got home, my feet are aching, but my heart is full.


I will definitely would love to return to Australia.

Gaining Heaven

As far as I know, all people who practice religion has an ulterior motive - they wanted to attain salvation - be it here on earth or in the after life.
They do what they do (religious works) because deep inside they wanted to be with the Divine.

As a Born Again Christian, I have come across with the term "Assurance of Salvation"  many times in my life. Be it in school, and especially at church. This assurance is the anchor of our blessed hope that one day when we die, we go directly to heaven. What a nice idea. If you lose your assurance, you lose your peace, you lose hope, and eventually, you will consider everything as hopeless.

Going back to my last article, I lost hope because I thought I committed the unpardonable sin. After a few weeks that I regained my hope, I know that everything's not the same anymore.

I was looking for an "absolute" assurance of my salvation.  They say it's the Spirit who testifies to our spirit that we are the sons of God (Rom 8:16). I asked my mom about the verse - how does the Spirit do that? She answered - by the Word of God. But how? I read another interpretation and said that the externals will show - the fruits of the Holy Spirit. But seriously, how do you know for sure that it's not just you forcing the fruits to be there or it's Gods doing? Why measure the internal (salvation) by using the externals? It doesn't add up.
Finally, I gave up the search. The issue slowly died inside me.

When I was in the process of conversion in 2011, part of the things I did was to examine the Catholic position on assurance of salvation.

Bad news is that there is no such thing as an ABSOLUTE assurance. Good news is that there is such a thing as a REASONABLE assurance. This is why my view on Catholic doctriness changed from bad to good.


I find more humility in the Catholic position regarding such assurance - there is no absolute assurance of salvation in the Catholic church because only God can choose whom He wants to save or not. In effect, this is a more faith-based belief. Why? Here's the logic - the less you are sure of your salvation, the more you have to utilize your faith that God will save you in the end. This requires more faith on the believer as against having an absolute assurance. Having absolute assurance means that you know 100% sure that you're going to heaven, that this life is just a formality to get over and done with. This requires 0% faith because you are now very sure of it. This is too assuming of a position for me, that's why I appreciate the wisdom and humility behind being reasonably assured as against being absolutely assured.

FYI - not all Protestants believe in the Once Saved, Always Saved (OSAS), which is a Calvinist take on things. There are Wesleyans/Arminian Protestants who do believe that salvation can be lost.

Now where do I choose my side?

I have to choose where the Early Christians believed.

History says that OSAS was never an early Christian belief. No evidence that OSAS was used by any church father, or apostles. Nor was it fostered during the first one and a half millenia of Christendom's existence. 

This makes a weightier case for those who believe the Catholic position.

How about verses as proofs?
1.) Matthew 24:13 - But he that shall persevere to the end, he shall be saved.
2.) 1 Cor 15:1-2 - Now, brothers and sisters, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. ² By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.
3.) 1 John 5:16-17 - ¹⁶ If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give them life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that you should pray about that. ¹⁷ All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death.
4.) Philippians 2:12 - ¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

And many more.

Now, on to the next article. I hope I still have the same intensity to write tomorrow. I am planning on writing about my understanding of Catholic soteriology, compared to the Protestant's. This is not something for us to prove that we are right while all the others are wrong. I will merely explain how the Catholic position is different and eventually lead to explaining why it is often misunderstood as a "works" religion.  

Losing Heaven

I can still vividly remember during Oct 1996, I was on second year high school - it probably was the lowest point in my life. I was living in fear every minute (literally) while I was awake. This went on for a month. I saw myself losing ten pounds in just a week. I couldn't eat and sleep well.

Papa and Mama were worried about me. I was not myself during those times. Even in school, I was absent for a month even though I was physically present.

Fear was at its peak. I was paralyzed.

All because of these issues that have plagued me -  concerning the unpardonable sin and assurance of salvation.

Before all of these happened. I was deep into reading the systematic theology of Berkhof and Bible Study Guide of Wilmington. Now, I came across the verses in Matthew and Mark on the unpardonable sin. Suddenly it hit me - was it possible that I have committed it? If yes, then I am doomed. My life has no meaning anymore.

I confided to a few regarding this problem of mine. I talked to my parents, my sister, some people in church concerning the assurance of salvation - but I never opened up about the unpardonable sin. I never had the courage to open it up. In the end, I got encouragements, most of it telling me that it is just a normal phase I was going through. For me, it was hard to admit that time that I am having a crisis of faith - not me, a Sunday school goer, an active youth member of the church coming from a family of one with strong faith in God.

Finally, I got over the fear of having committed it. I forgot how, but probably, I tried reading all interpretations of the verses from the Bible experts. I won't dwell much on the mechanics and technicalities of the verses, but it dawned on me that I have not committed such sin, only those who have a hardened heart and have absolute certainty of what's right but still rejecting and maligning it would have committed such a sin.

One major problem down. The month after, I was myself again.

But yes, like a fallen glass, I may have been mended, but the cracks were still there.

I have yet to triumph over one major issue that was still pending on my list - The Assurance of Salvation.

So on to the next article.